BFF Betrayal Over Mediocre Man

The bleak dating scene doesn’t mean one should disregard a friend’s feelings. Especially over a man. Can you imagine? How embarrassing.

Join our community as a paid subscriber to listen to the full episode. You’ll receive access to weekly members-only podcast episodes, advice posts, and other bonus content.

Hello. I just finished your episode about the romance scammer. I thought you might have some insight into a tricky situation involving my friend and a guy I met on a dating app.

About a month ago, I matched with a man who seemed promising. Let’s call him “James.” We chatted for a bit. He was easy to talk to and asked me a lot of questions. He was the first guy in months I thought was promising. I told my friend Hannah about him and showed her his profile. She said he was cute but not to get my hopes up until we met. She’d had her share of romantic disappointments lately so I didn’t think much of it.

James and I eventually set up a date. The day before we were supposed to meet he canceled. He claimed something came up at work and never followed up to reschedule. I felt disappointed but I shrugged it off.

Fast forward to a few days ago and Hannah dropped a bombshell. She told me she matched with James on the same app and that he seemed interesting. Then she asked if she had my blessing to go out with him.

I didn’t know what to say. Part of me feels like it shouldn’t matter. James and I never even met and I wasn’t exactly heartbroken when things fizzled. But another part of me feels weird about it. She knew I liked him and that I’d been having trouble meeting someone decent. I didn’t want to be petty or stand in the way of something that could work for her, but I also felt hurt.

That night, I drank too much wine and texted James, saying it looked like we might get to meet after all. He replied immediately and asked what I meant. I told him about Hannah being my friend. He told me he’d started chatting with Hannah the day after he’d canceled our date.

Am I wrong for being mad about this? Should I confront her?

I could play Devil’s Advocate here, but I won’t. Even if the algorithms were algorithming and James happened to appear in Hannah’s search stack, she still knew what he looked like.

Listen. I get it. At this point, dating apps are the equivalent of wartime foxholes. Everyone is hunkering down, praying for nightfall, and grabbing onto the closest, warmest body to shield them from the bullets.

The bleak dating scene doesn’t mean one should disregard a friend’s feelings. Especially over a man. Do you two want to submit applications to the same apartment or job? May the best woman win. But a man? Can you imagine? How embarrassing.

Just because you and James have never met doesn’t mean Hannah's actions aren’t crossing a line. You expressed interest. That’s all that is necessary. As for this shady moment of happenstance, I call bullshit. You gave James a glowing review. Given the muck women have to wade through on dating apps, that’s as good as a personal introduction.

Still, her friendship with you should have taken precedence. You might think the current state of dating compelled Hannah to shoot her shot, but I don’t think that’s the case. This is a blatant disregard, not just for your feelings but also for your friendship.

Some might say that you do not have exclusivity over James, and Hannah is free to proceed with impunity. They’re right, of course. You’re both adults. He was not your property. However, as your friend, your happiness and well-being should have taken priority over a first date. A first date that, based on the odds, will not lead to a second one. That’s the kicker here! If you’re going to tank a friendship, the risk better be worth it. James is just an undoubtedly mediocre man on a dating app. This is where critical thinking kicks in.

Why would Hannah be willing to damage your friendship over him? That’s the question that matters. Hannah sounds more like a frenemy. If I were in your shoes, my knee-jerk reaction would be confronting Hannah. Not in an angry way, though. I’d Facetime her, keeping my tone neutral throughout the conversation until I asked her one question. You want this to be a video call so she can see your amused expression when you ask, “Why would you do that?” in a tone implying she’s a Single White Female weirdo.

While she might not be a stiletto-wielding maniac trying to steal your life, she is someone willing to risk hurting you to get what she wants. It’s bad enough that men treat us like options. Women who do it are exponentially worse because they know what it feels like.

You can put Hannah in her place if it would make you feel better. Or, you could say nothing and walk away knowing you would never be so desperate.

I support either choice.

Submit your dating questions here, or you can leave us a voice message by calling ‪(929) 266-6123‬. Please note: your message WILL NOT be played on the podcast. We will read the transcript of your call.

Connect with us:

Podcast Instagram

Christan’s Instagram & Threads @thechristanm

Tiktok

Youtube