Can Straight Men Have Platonic Relationships With Women?
Straight men and women who date men can have healthy platonic relationships, but let’s not pretend like they’re the overwhelming majority.
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One of my lovely nuggets recently tagged me in this post.
While I agree with some of Professor Neil's comments, I’m still irked by the totality of his response. In a nutshell, he says that married men ( and men in general ) benefit from platonic relationships with women because women make them better men. We teach them to be empathetic. We lighten the load so their partners don’t have to do as much emotional labor. We help them become more self-actualized.
In each scenario, the woman provides a benefit or service to him. We don’t need men to become self-aware and empathetic. Nobody (aside from our parents) was responsible for teaching us how to be compassionate and introspective. We had to learn those things through trial and error. What is most concerning about his statements is that he presents himself as an ally yet doesn’t appear cognizant of what he’s revealing about himself.
After he ticked off each reason, I thought, “Cool. How do the women benefit?” Imagine, if you will, a world where men sought self-improvement from—wait for it—other men, or better yet, from themselves.
This hot take is reductive and needs to be addressed. “If you don’t trust men’s friendships with women because your experiences have led you to believe you can’t trust men, I totally get it,” Neil says.
Does he, though? I don’t think he does. Summarizing the argument by saying women have trust issues is simplistic. There’s a hint of condescension in his voice I don’t like.
This goes beyond trust. While I absolutely believe that straight men and women who date men can have healthy platonic relationships, let’s not pretend like they’re the overwhelming majority. Undoubtedly, we all know of or maintain a mutually beneficial friendship with a straight man. On the flip side, I’m sure the same people can say they’ve witnessed or taken part in a friendship with a straight man that wasn’t totally appropriate. This topic pops up frequently because so many people have been given good reason not to trust these friendships.
For a man to see a woman as anything but a potential sex partner, he has to see her value as a human being. That’s not an easy thing to come by in our society. To men, the concept of intimacy is inherently sexual. That’s because men’s relationships with other men often lack vulnerability. They might bond through shared experiences, but they usually involve action of some kind. Women learn about intimacy from other women. Intimacy and vulnerability are how we bond. That’s what makes our friendships more resilient.
Can we have that kind of intimacy in platonic relationships with men? If the man is capable, yes. However, do we really want our partners to have that level of intimate bonding with someone outside of our primary relationship? Isn’t that how feelings or dependency develop? I don’t have the answer to this.
What Neil is talking about in his Tiktok isn’t friendship as much as companionship. It’s about having someone to do things with, bounce things off of, or listen to them. My concern about these scenarios is whether or not men and women benefit equally.
What do you take away from your platonic friendships with men? How close is too close for your comfort?
I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
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I completely agree with your response, Christan: men always benefit from women and we get nothing back.
The load is always on women to make men better. For free.