Is Her Ex's New GF Stalking Her Online?
She might be. But can you blame her?
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Awhile back a woman followed me on Instagram. I’ll call her Mia. Recently she started liking my posts and commenting with compliments about my outfits. She DM’d me asking where I bought something I wore. Based on her photos I saw we had similar tastes so we began chatting. Mia posted something about break-ups and told me she and her boyfriend had just split because he wasn’t ready to move in together.
I told her things would get better and that I’d gone through a break-up over the summer. She asked if I still kept in touch with him. I said I did and that we’re still good friends. Then she said something to the effect of how she could never stay in touch with an ex after he’d cheated.
I’d never told her my ex had cheated. When I asked her why she said that she said something I’d posted made her think that he did. I went through my feed. I couldn’t find anything that would make someone think my ex was unfaithful. My ex did move on quickly with someone I'll call Melissa but most men do. I’d never given it much thought. He’d never given me a reason to suspect him. I told Mia it was a strange thing to say. She apologized and said she never meant to upset me that she’d made a mistake.
I texted my ex and asked point blank if he’d cheated. He swore he didn’t and said he would never do that to me. Right after we spoke I went to my inbox. Mia’s account was gone. I checked to see if she’d blocked me but she didn’t. She’d deleted her profile.
I'm pretty sure "Mia" was my ex's new GF Melissa. Should I confront her or am I being paranoid?
I hate that I’m going to say this, but I would let it go. You’re never going to be able to prove she was behind the account. Without proof, all you have is suspicion. You’ll confront her, she’ll say it wasn’t her, end of story. You’ll end up more frustrated and unsettled than you are now.
If it helps, I agree with you. I think Melissa was behind the account. I believe this for a few reasons.
You and your Ex don’t just stay in touch. In your words, you and he are “good friends.” I would want my partner to have an amicable relationship with an Ex. In the words of Carrie Bradshaw, “If you loved somebody and you break up, where does the love go?” I don’t think you ever stop loving someone. Especially if they treated you well. The love might soften or morph into fondness, but I believe it remains in some form. That said, I don’t know I’d be comfortable with my significant other being good friends with their Ex. That’s too intimate for my comfort. To use Carrie and Big as an example again, their friendship while he was married (before and after they cheated) was completely inappropriate. They weren’t friends, they were trauma bonded after what they both did to his Ex-wife, Natasha. That audiences EVER wanted Carrie and Big to end up together shows you how easily men’s indiscretions were overlooked in the 90’s and early 2000’s. If Depending on how often you and your Ex communicated, I wouldn’t like you at all if I were Melissa because I would think you weren’t respecting the unspoken boundaries we all know exist when a partner moves on to someone new. Of course, her frustration would be misplaced as it’s her boyfriend’s job to lay down that boundary and respect Melissa’s feelings.
The profile’s username started with the same letter as her name. It’s called the Name-Letter Effect. Having the same first initial helps us feel less guilty about being deceptive or because it’s easier to remember.
You and Mia had things in common. - Okay, yeah, lots of people do. Algorithms tend to introduce us to creator/pages that they know appeals to us. It’s the mutual recent break-ups that sticks out to me. The connection we make over a shared emotional experience is deeper than if we just had the same hobbies or opinion. It’s known as “identity fusion.” Shared emotions invites vulnerability. The more vulnerable you are, the more open you’re more likely to be.
The account got deleted after you spoke to your Ex. - This is the big one. If Mia had been telling the truth, she would have no reason to take down her profile. I suspect she just deactivated it. If there were enough posts for you to glean that you and Mia had the same sense of style, the profile likely passed for an authentic account. That takes effort. She’s not going to get rid of it. In my experience of playing internet detective, people create profiles that focus on one topic to get followers then switches to another niche depending on who they’re targeting.
If I had to create a narrative for this, I’d say that Mia felt threatened by your relationship with your Ex/Her boyfriend. Maybe he told her you and he had a spoken here and there. Or possibly she went through his phone. Either way, she was feeling some type of way your friendship and wanted answers. Is this the most productive or emotionally sound way to go about it? Absolutely not. However, it’s her boyfriend/your Ex’s job to make her feel secure in the relationship. He appears to have failed in that area.
I have friends and I have good friends. I’m more familiar (read: personal) with the latter group. To say you and your Ex qualify as good friends and that you stay in touch makes me wonder just how often that happens and what those conversations entail. That might make me sound insecure. I’m okay with that. There’s nothing unnatural about insecurity. It’s how we react to that insecurity that matters. If Mia was actually Melissa, I can’t say I blame her for wanting to know how close you and her boyfriend were.
Where I think she may have been malicious is with planting a seed of doubt in your head that your Ex cheated. That was a dirty way to drive a wedge between you two. I can’t say either way if he did or didn’t. I don’t know enough about your relationship. (Though you’re free to email me with more info.) If you don’t think he did, then he probably didn’t. If you have a nagging suspicion he could have, you may want to consider cutting back on communications so he doesn’t think he got away with anything.
Frankly, I think you should leave both of them in the dust. You don’t need to be sucked into their drama.
I would love to hear what others think. Please tell me in the comments.
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