You'll Never Intimidate The Right Person
"Out of nowhere, he goes, 'I can see why you’re single. You’re intimidating in a good way—like, too put together for most guys.' "
I recently went on a first date with a guy I met through an app. We had great banter leading up to the date. He chose a meeting spot that was local to me. When I got to the bar, he got up to greet me—all green flags. Over our first drink, he said something that’s been stuck in my head ever since, and I can’t figure out if I’m overreacting.
We were talking about past relationships, and I casually mentioned I had been single for a while and took time to work on myself. Out of nowhere, he goes, “I can see why you’re single. You’re intimidating in a good way—like, too put together for most guys.”
I was stunned. Like, is that supposed to be a compliment? I laughed it off in the moment because I didn’t want to ruin the vibe, but honestly, it didn’t sit right with me. Am I supposed to feel flattered that he thinks I scare men away? Or was that just a backhanded way of saying I’m too much?
Part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt—maybe he’s just awkward with compliments? But another part of me feels like this is a red flag and that he’s the type of guy who’d feel the need to “humble” me in the future.
What do you think? Was this a harmless (if clumsy) compliment, or is he waving a red flag I shouldn’t ignore?
I’m open to the possibility he’s just an awkward conversationalist. That said, I am not you. I wasn’t sitting there with him. You need to trust your gut on this. You are not obligated to give him another chance. You said it didn’t sit right with you. That was your intuition.
In my admittedly knee-jerk opinion, the statement had two intentions:
He wanted to knock you down a peg.
He wanted to let you know you do not intimidate him. If that’s the case, then why bring it up?
It’s difficult to interpret “intimidating” as anything other than negative. To intimidate means to make someone uneasy or uncomfortable. Switch out the words, and he’s saying, “I can see why you make men uncomfortable.”
Listen. I love the idea of making men uneasy. Unpredictability is a skill all women who date men should hone to keep them on their toes. This man doesn’t know you. He hasn’t earned the right to be so forthcoming. That was an inside thought.
Another phrase that makes me want to throat-punch anyone who says it is “still single.” As in, “She’s still single.” Why isn’t “single” enough? Why tack on the “still” qualifier other than to evoke shame? Describing someone as “still single” implies they had no agency or choice in the outcome when they did.
The next time someone “compliments” you this way, respond with, “I’m only intimidating to insecure people.” That’s the truth. Intimidation is perceived. It’s generally not something we intend to be. If someone thinks you’re intimidating, that’s their problem. I might suggest altering your approach if people close to you say it in a way that makes it seem like they’re trying to say something else. There’s the matter-of-fact “you intimidate them,” and the gingerly expressed suggestion “you intimidate them.”
What I loved about your letter is that you didn’t internalize his words. You’re not asking me if you are too much or how you could seem less together. You saw the backhanded nature of his observation and let it bounce off of you like you were Teflon.
This experience taught you how intact your sense of self is. To me, that’s a win. Understand that you will never intimidate anyone who knows who they are.
Also? Fuck that guy.
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