Gaslighting, Manipulation & Mask Slipping

Dateology Coach Podcast

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-21:58

Gaslighting, Manipulation & Mask Slipping

He's a walking red flag.

Dateology Coach

Sep 18, 2024

Transcript

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I wanted to ask your opinion on something? If you’re dating a guy and one day he asks that since you’re on birth control would you be comfortable if we didn’t use condoms. You have been seeing each other for a few months and feel like you can trust this, so you do it once and then decide you’re not ready. He asks how your doing after it happens to make sure you’re ok, you tell him you want to wait longer, he says he respects that but then goes on to tell you that he wanted you to know that him doing that with you meant so much to him in sharing that experience in terms of bringing you closer and that’s the highest form of intimacy he could show you physically to show how special you are to him. That sounds like a bit much to me. Also, he told me he was taking a break from Instagram for a while starting with these past couple days.

You communicated a boundary in a moment of vulnerability. Rather than respecting that boundary, he exploited your fragile emotional state by pushing back. Then he attempted to manipulate your feelings for him by implying (but not outright stating!) that he has deep feelings for you. He told you you were "special" to him? That should have been obvious by that point. He shouldn't have had to say anything. The word "special" does not mean important. Please remember that. In fact, "special" is a meaningless descriptor. It's a fluff word people use to make someone feel good, but that has no real significance when it comes to determining their feelings.

I asked him yesterday how it was going because I had been on there myself later yesterday and was looking at a message he sent me and, you know how Instagram tells you when that person was last active, well, it told me he had just been active a half hour ago. Then again later that day, same thing. When we talked that night, I asked him how one of his first days off Instagram was going and he told me great that he hadn’t been on there at all and had in fact taken the app off his phone, but hadn’t logged out or anything.

You asked how his first day without Instagram went. All he had to say was that it went well. Instead, he offered more information than necessary. People do that, thinking it makes what they're saying sound more convincing. He knew why you were asking, so he went overboard on his answer. I wouldn't bother asking him to prove he'd uninstalled the app. Once you start questioning someone's character, it's a sign there's no trust in the relationship.

I laughed and said that’s interesting because Instagram told me you had been on there today. He said, well I don’t know why it would say that because I haven’t been at all. Call me crazy, but why would Instagram say that if it wasn’t true? Can Instagram be glitchy or did he really just lie about something as dumb as that? I told him there needed not be any reason to hide it, but he still claimed he never was.

If the person I was dating set a trap like that for me, I'd be offended. Based on what you wrote, it sounds like he shrugged it off. Interesting. Make a note of that.

After the Instagram conversation, I moved on to talk about how for the last few days he hasn’t been responding to some of my messages more loving messages, like me just telling him I hope he has a great day and I love him. He hasn’t been responding to some of those at all or even saying I love you back except for when he wants to say it. We have a long distance relationship, so I told him I want to make more of an effort to be connected since we can only see each other on the weekends. He had all these reasons why he hadn’t responded at some points but then told me what I am talking about and asking for wasn’t unreasonable at all and that he would make an attempt to be better at it. He then went on to say how much this melts his heart that I would call him to talk about these things like this. That, I am such a loving, kind, warm hearted woman, and this is why he has chosen me. Because I would bring things like this up and it shows how much I care about us.

That's why he chose you? Are you a car? A polo shirt? This is a telling response. It reveals he thinks your relationship only exists because he allows it. Choice implies options. By saying he chose you, he wants you to infer that out of all the possible mates he had, he selected you. Aren't you special? There's that word again! We don't choose who we love. Love happens to us.

All of this to say, I think some of this is a bit much, borderline manipulative and baity. There’s more context, but I wanted to give you the highlights and see what your thoughts were on this much? Appreciate any insight! We did recently have an argument a couple weeks ago, because he is 40, never married, no kids, and has a history of being a controlling, egotistical, borderline narcissist. (Shocker) I called him out on it, because I could pick up that he was subtly trying to change me and made some off the wall comments at times. He agreed with me and told me how much he cared for me. That he used to be that guy but doesn’t want to anymore and is working on it. He told me that he chooses me and will work towards doing everything he can to be the man I deserve and need. I’ll give you one more example that made me want to lose my shit (which I did) because I felt like he was picking on me about things. Not to mention, he did love bomb me in the beginning. One day, we drove past a hideous looking vehicle and he joked about that being my vehicle, I joked back saying no, that he is always bringing it up, so I think he secretly loves it. He dropped it and I could tell he was upset. I got home later and messaged him asking if he was ok. He said that the waffles he had eaten earlier had him feeling sick and he was upset about my “joke stealing”. He said joke stealing isn’t very attractive or a good way to flirt because it takes very little intellect to do. I took that as he was calling me stupid and made because I was better at his joke than he was. He later told me that message was not directed at me and that he was just making a comment in general, that I read too far into it. Something has felt off, and while I do have a lot going on in my life, I am not sure about this. He has been very loving and communicative in so many ways but appears to still be very immature at times. What am I missing here or do I secretly know the answer?

There's nothing borderline about his behavior. He's just letting the mask slip slowly. His "teasing" and sporadic "I love yours" are his way of making you self-conscious. The "joke" about your car, for example. It was said to embarrass you. Taking jabs at someone never comes from a place of genuine affection. These sorts of pointed comments are meant to evoke shame. In the wrong hands, shame is a dangerous weapon. It's in his best interest to keep you on the ropes as often as possible. That will make it easier for him to get in your head and chip away at your sense of reality.

Five out of five Fuck That Guys.